i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then my night got REAL pukey
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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