Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
