Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
