Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
