i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
