That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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