I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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