I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i barfeds in our rink
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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