In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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