The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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