Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
