Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
