I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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