If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
