its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
