I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
