I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm getting married
To pizza
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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