i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
