My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
