You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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