He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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