I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
