I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
