dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
