he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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