i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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