question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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