i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
