Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
