remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
