You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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