Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
