stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She even gives head with a lisp.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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