Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
