My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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