Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
