You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
