mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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