Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
FUCK WHALES
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