Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
