i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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