i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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