Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i think i just lost a toe
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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