Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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