I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
