Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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