Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
