I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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