Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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