make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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