HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I believe in your delicious
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
