hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
