My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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