You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
