and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
