I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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