I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
