I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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